HOW TO BE A NIGERIAN CORPER

Dear PCM's,

First of all, we must say doxology (it's a curious thing isn't it, to graduate from a Nigerian university and not know that doxology means "praises to God,  ah well, I'm not one to judge, I too learnt it of recent, so it must be something in the system, no), but we must give our thanks to the Nigerian God for  giving us the grace to graduate from University by hook or crook. To him we return all praises. Thank you Mummy and daddy for sending me to school, everyone else can get their thank you from wherever they so wish.

So it is that time of our lives when we must waste (sorry, sacrifice) one year of our lives in the service of our Great nation (I swear, no pun intended, we are a Great nation aren't we? ), but never mind, you would look upon this year as the beginning of something truly special for you in this nation.

For those of you planning to escape this service to your nation, I hope you saw the life of Aunty Adeosun and how that is a move bound to backfire for you , we have a new informal rule now, you cannot be a part of the cabal if you do not do your NYSC, it is not us who made the rule, it is the citizens, they are too jobless and this is the result of their joblessness, so if you envisage a future in politics and professional embezzlement you must take part in the scheme, if you have money,  you can do like Davido, show up one day, shout very well and tie loose ends, at-all-at-all-na-him-bad-pass.

Now I want you to raise your hand, yes, raise it higher and higher, now put it on your head and say "I shall not die", your mother will no doubt invite you for  prayers in this regard but you must continue to wish away death, the bastard is always around the corner in Nigeria and you must remind the Nigerian God that you too want to live (too much problems in Nigeria, you must remind him) a little extra never hurt nobody.

Next year is general elections, Uncle change and the Atikulate one are the front line candidates and by virtue of your imprisonment you will be called upon to serve as umpires in certain locations for the General Umpire Association INEC, please do your duty with fear and trembling and if you hear gunshots run, you are a patriotic Nigerian youth, run,  run and don't look back, infact throw the ballot box to the attacking party, they don't really want to kill you, they just want the ballot box,  so please give them what they. Save your life first. May we not cry over you in the next year. Insha Allah

In spaces of conflict like Yobe, Borno and the areas on the news and YouTube where they are prone to fighting, please and please respect yourself, if they are fighting, stay inside your house, Nigeria did not send you to go and interfere, I'm not saying the resident goodness in your heart should disappear, but safety first, safety second, safety third, then goodness to others, do this and you shall return to your house in one piece. You are going to the frontiers of misery and poverty, nobody said you were going for a paid vacation.

Biggest Unionisation of good looking prisoners 

I can already imagine you, turning up your nose at the prospect of being a teacher, you, 2:1 graduate from the University of Lagos, department of Chemical Engineering teaching chemistry to insolent secondary students, what happened to Chevron or Total or all those big multinationals, you must bring your shoulder down, it is the nature of your imprisonment, did your fellow prisoner at KiriKiri  know that he would spend the rest of his life cutting grass and bushes, no, of course not, so you must suck it up and move on, it is the nature of life in Nigeria without having connection, ah connection, right proper bastard

You see, this coming year must be spent in service of yourself as much as in service of Nigeria, refine yourself, reteach yourself, create new skills, obsess over service production and creativity, I know the first class graduates amongst us will no doubt grimace and throw a look or two of contempt and wonder if their first class isn't enough to navigate the treacherous waters of Nigeria, but I'm sorry Amigo, Nigeria no send your papa, and to avoid stories that touch you must have a skill or position that makes you stand out from others, I will not regal you with the tales of several first class graduates who are roaming the street of Lagos (I always found those telltales hard to believe) but I have said my own and like the Yoruba's will say "it is half we tell a responsible child, when it enters him it becomes full, if you know you know"

Let's now talk about remuneration, they say they'll give you 19800 (remove your eyes from that 50000, it was electoral posturing) and the state government can add anything to the limit of 10000 naira, thats money for Garri and groundnut and from time to time some rice and chicken (after all aren't you a prisoner, does your beggar have a choice) so manage it, don't let those sweet big bellied men who go around with their honey dripped mouth take advantage of your desperation to find job and extra money, the greater majority of them are scams, big dispassionate buffons who would take advantage of you and move on the next best thing.

To my fellow federal and State University graduates, I say a big congratulations, we have overcome annual strikes, nasty lecturers, no lights in exam halls and plain destruction of the educational system, we made it, we graduated, I would have said we should gather here for a digital selfie, but eh, another time, we must welcome our comrades, the Private school students from all over, Covenant, Caleb, Bells and everywhere, we must also not forget our foreign trained comrades too, they are welcome amongst us, we must however take it easy on them, this is their first dealing with the federal government of Nigeria, their hearts might be giddy with excitement at the prospect for adventure but you are the sully OAU graduate who just wants to go home to sleep but we must forgive them or endure them or maybe both, it is only natural, this 12 month imprisonment sounds exotic and fun but in the words of the quintessential Nigerian youth, Las Las we go dea alright. So forgive them, for they don't know.

I have always sucked at endings, but I really hope you know that I want the best for you and maybe one year from now, we might meet in a bar and reminisce about our imprisonments and laugh at our mistakes and crazy adventures in the service of your great warden, Nigeria.

Peace and love, break a leg in the coming months (sigh, to avoid misinformation, I don't mean break yours or somebody's leg,  I meant it as an expression of luck, fucking graduates).

             
                                                   All my love,
                                                        Wale.