HOW TO WIN ELECTIONS IN NIGERIA.

First you must understand certain things about me before you go on to read whatever I have contrived to  write about this time, I think being Nigerian, we are fucked, like fucked in an existential way (from the moment you opened your eyes as a Nigerian who doesn't reside on the corridors of power), from which only a serious un-fucking can restore us (said un-fucking can take anything between 100 years till eternity), secondly you must understand that i'm not a  pessimist like that, my moments flunctuate and tomorrow you could find me dropping a grammatically flawless oration on why Nigeria is ours to change, also a consequence of being a Nigerian is this raging battle between apathy and involvement (that is a topic for another day )

Today I have chosen to do one of my "how to" posts and I want to talk about how to win elections in Nigeria and I know, before you sigh, this isn't for you, you are too young to run anyway and even if you aren't, you do not have any hope of winning (read my earlier warning of us being existentially fucked ABANDON ALL HOPE YE WHO COME HERE) , so this post is for your future 65 years old self,  if and after you have gotten all the fulfilment in your life, you choose to run for elected office, I won't want you to run blindly, I want you to keep this commands which I will expand on below and God's willing if you are ugly enough (I think the majority of Nigerian politicians are ugly) you might win.

AVOID PUBLIC DEBATES

You must do all you can to avoid public debates, what did I say, AVOID ALL FORMS OF PUBLIC ENGAGEMENT ON WHAT YOU WANT TO DO AS AN ELECTED OFFICIAL, this is the most cardinal rule, if you'll aspire to rule over anybody in Nigeria, please and please you must impress us with your cluelessness, I'm not saying be a recluse or have a non existent public profile, all I'm saying is avoid any form of debates, do you know those presidential or gubernatorial debates they do in western countries, those stupid spectacles, you must avoid them at all cost, the only thing you are allowed to do in the public eyes is to dance or wave your broom very well, at least the people would be convinced by that. A dancing governor never hurt anybody or annoyed anyone.

TAKE CARE OF YOUR SUPPORTERS 

You must have utter disregard for electoral campaign laws, what did INEC say about vote buying, that you shouldn't give your supporters money. Sigh, these INEC guys must be stupid o, how else do you assure your supporters that you are not a stingy man if you will not spend the money abi what kind of rubbish is this, if you don't spend money during the campaign and you now mistakenly win, how will you divert public funds in peace, those buffons at INEC don't know anything and moreso what can they do. If you'll win, you must also satisfy the belly of the households with bags of rice and oil, OK things are hard, you can reduce that bag of rice to half bag, they will understand. After all this is not corruption, you are just taking care of your supporters

RESPECT YOUR ELDERS 

In 2015 when uncle change won the presidential election, he had the backing of strong nationalists and elders who supported him against the hapless Jonathan, if you must win, it is important that you have the support of some elders, the people are not that important, you see those elders are your ticket to office, didn't that adage say that "the child who washes his hands properly will dine with the elders" If you are serious about winning, you must find a way to get the endorsement and support of the "elders and nationalist" any other thing will leave you staring at a L, remember the people don't really matter, the elders are the key to winning.

Finally because I am constrained by time and I know you have other things to do, I'll tell you only one more, you must be able to walk 800 meters unassisted, you see, the nation is undergoing a mini-revolution and one of the more important ways with which the youths of the future will vote is if you are fit, apparently too much of social media has exposed them to hip leaders like Justin Trudeau and Emmanuel Macron and now they also want that but no worries, just make sure you can walk 800 meters annually to prove your fitness and leave the rest to the twitter influencers.

This are just the more pertinent points, there are other things you must do if you will win a Nigerian election, i wish your future 65 years old self peace and good hustle in its bad to win public office in Nigeria.

Peace and Good Hustle.