HOW TO SURVIVE IN NIGERIA IN YOUR TWENTIES

TO BE TWENTY-SOMETHING IS NOT EASY

"Your Twenties they said would be the best time of your life, your years to be an adult they said".

Life in your 20's is funny, with becoming responsible for yourself, paying bills and all that. But as a Nigerian it becomes infinitely funnier, messed up and sometimes downright brutal. You have to compete with parents, life, SARS and rumor-peddling family members. Of course there are varying experiences for youths based on the ability of your parents pocket and influence to make life easier for you but essentially all of us are in the same boat and we are rowing dangerously


AVOID DREADLOCKS AND GRANDIOSE SHOW OF WEALTH

"I am sorry, it is them not you, but please avoid all those dreadlocks, even you sef look at yourself, do you look responsible, avoid your mum having to say "look at Mrs DaSilva's son,  isn't his haircut nice" don't give her grief, please just cut those dreadlocks". 

In this Nigeria, one of the most deadly secondary sins is having dreadlocks, you become SARS food because what else is an indicator of your "ill-gotten money" than a dreadlock with a nice polo and that brand new IPhone X, they will pick on you relentlessly and beat you till you accept you are a yahoo boy" mothers will look at you suspiciously when you come and greet their children and behind your back they will advice their children to avoid "corrupt" company, also all those ripped jeans and Gold chains, please avoid them, Nigeria does not love you looking fly.

Oh! and also avoid all those grandiose show of wealth.

Nobody loves a young upstart who is using the kind of car that his 20 years in service lecturer cannot use, what arrant nonsense. The ensuing train of thought usually goes thus;

1.Where did you get money?

2.Are you a yahoo boy?

Please for your sanity, even if your parents have cars leave them at home, it is preferable to use your leg-edez Benz. In your 20's it Is preferable to look jaded, tired and world weary, we cannot allow anybody to say Nigerian youths are lazy and pompous.



SMALL GIRL, BIG GOD

Nigeria is hard my dear, I know, we all do and in the words of the Great Sage Elnath-an John

"Thou shall not be poor. The second like it is this: Thou shall not appear to be poor.” 

This are the only true commandments in Nigeria, all others are conjectures and improvements upon the original commandments

This advice is dual, find a big god, no one likes a poor person, infact poverty is looked upon as a sickness so please respect yourself and find a God to cure your poverty infested soul. I'm not saying you should become a whore o, please don't misinterpret my advice, don't go around hopping from one god to the other.

Find a Single god, a single God who would elevate you from trekking to owning a nice Toyota Camry, from that face-me-l-slap-you in Obanikoro to residing a two bedroom flat in an exclusive part of Ikoyi and sponsor the occasional trip to Dubai for shopping and the rest of it, please ain't nobody got time to be poor.

In the event that due to circumstances beyond your control or just due to plain old bad luck (right proper bastard) you can't find a big god, please manage to be an Instagram slay queen, you can't both be broke in real life and on the Gram.

Tufia!

Find ways to enter the most exclusive parties and take those thought-provoking selfies that will give your "haters" headaches and take those "chilling" pictures with your favorite celebrities.They will say you are pretentious but who cares, at least you are not "poor" like them

P. S if you are dedicated to your craft of slaying, ye shall be rewarded by a big god.


CONNECTION

We all convince ourselves that Nigeria can be better and that one day we would be able to get things based on merits, but until then never forget that CONNECTION is key.

If you want to get that Job, you must know one of the accountants or even the gate man (God can perform your miracle through anyone).

If you need a written recommendation to get a study fellowship abroad, you better know somebody who knows somebody who will write that recommendation for you.

This is not a bad thing, it is just making sure that the people that get all the good things are people who we know and the sooner you accept this truths, the sooner the good things of Nigeria will reach your table.

In Nigeria also we have a very vibrant extended family who have a stake in your life and all your accomplishments.

When Aunty Tope (the title of Aunty Is honorific, she is your mothers aunty daughters cousin) starts nagging you about when you would get married, please don't angry, she is only fulfilling her God-given mandate.

Use refrain, smile your kindest smile and tell her in your gentlest tone that "God willing, very soon" you can also give a look of fervent prayer to convince her. To get angry under this particular circumstance is to receive a disdainful shaking of the head, a very pitiful "we will be praying for you" and the assurance that your story would be the hottest matter of discussion at the next family meting.


IT'S NOT EASY SHA

Life in your 20's is a whole new experience, life in your 20"s in Nigeria is a wild new experience, but try and follow the few advice I have given you.

I'm not saying your life will all of a sudden become better, nah, far from it the occasional SARS official will still stop you and extort you, even dashing you a resounding slap for all your dreadlock losing troubles, you might get an incurable diseases while serving your big god and sometimes your connection might fail in the face of a stronger connection, but at least you will have a fighting chance at life in Nigeria

All my best, peace and love always.

P. S shout out to Elnath-an John for the inspo...